Although I  love yoga pants, I am happy to say no to yoga in 2015.

So while everyone else makes resolutions to wriggle into spandex and roll-out their mats in 2015, I am relishing the freedom that comes from accepting I hate yoga. I don’t mind the exercises and stretches and I’ve really enjoyed Pilates classes in the past. I recognize on a logical level that it’s good for me but everything around the ‘practice’ of yoga makes me cringe.

The self-important language and fake spiritual enlightenment that comes from being clad in organic spandex which costs $100 a pop just makes me want to vomit. Vomiting is not the best relaxation technique although it might help with the weight loss. There is no way I can say ‘Namaste’ with any sincerity while surrounded by LuLu Lemon.

As soon as I lay down for forced relaxation with a group of strangers, my mind races. I start thinking about about what’s next when these final ten minutes are up and no matter how many times I try different classes or teachers, the best I ever achieve is sleepy. How can I be expected to envision a lotus flower in the air without smirking? Identifying its color and reaching up to bring said flower down to my heart just make me want to burst out laughing. The inevitable one serious man in the class who grunts, gasps and strains his face does not appreciate chuckling during his intense posing.

Yoga on a stand-up paddle board should have been the end of yoga and me but I don’t like to give up easily. And let’s face it, I wouldn’t mind that yoga body. I love stand-up paddling and I thought my balance was decent until I showed up for a class while home in Maine for a visit. My friend does a lot of yoga but had never been on a paddle board so I was feeling pretty confident. I went through the gathering of ‘problems’ (rocks from the beach) and placing them in a Trader Joe’s bag (because of course a regular grocery bag would not be good enough for yoga) that we used as our anchor for the board. I dropped my problems into the shallow water and didn’t even roll my eyes. Then I tried to crane my neck to watch the serene teacher and copy her bendy moves with ‘zen’ names (Crane – not flamingo) while laying on a surfboard! Well turns out my pregnant yoga friend who had never been on a paddle board ended up in a standing back bend position being photographed by the teacher while I ended up in the icy water slipping on algae rocks on the ocean floor when I tried to look like a bird on a board. I tried the back bendy wheel position later in my parent’s living room and had to be hauled out of it by my 4 year old.

Needless to say, I didn’t end up on the teacher’s Facebook page.